Thinking (and thanking) aloud

I make a conscious effort to try and make myself happy these days (these days = widowhood). Perhaps more accurately, I make an extra effort to NOT make myself miserable. Yup, that's more like it.

Truth is, it's not that I need to be brimming with happiness ~ I just don't want to be un-happy. And sad. More so, I don't want to be ungrateful.

And how do I do that? By being contented with His blessings.

“Part of the happiness of a son of Adam consists in his pleasure with what Allah has decreed for him, part of the misery of the son of Adam consists in his abandonment of asking God's blessing and part of the misery of the son of Adam consists in his displeasure with what Allah has decreed for him.”

Alhamdulillah, I am thankful to Him for all the provisions He has given me. Having said that, as a weak human being that I am, I must admit that it is sometimes a challenge to be fully contented with what I have been bestowed with ~ Astaghfirulahalazim! Nevertheless, patience and ridha is a virtue I have continously learn to embrace with each passing day.

And how else could I have come to learn patience and ridha but through His grace?

!الله أكبر

Dugaan Ramadhan

I have not been spared of His tests this Ramadhan. Biasalah masalah ibu tunggal (feels so weird to call myself that). Kepala berserabut this whole week trying to manage and negotiate with the bank on a housing loan of an abandoned project. I had thought the problem was solved last year, tetiba they called to say I owe RMXX,XXX on interest since last year!! Eikkk... mana boleh... they had promised me that it would be solved last year. I did not hear anything else from them after that and so I happily went about my life (other problems??), grateful that that portion of my worries are taken care of. And now...

Alhamdulillah, I have friends for moral support. Yang tolong karang surat, and teman pergi bank. But it's not over yet!! Yang masalahnya, the people who handled my case last year had resigned and now I have to deal with new officers who doesn't know hoot about my case. Apparently there's no handover... Leceh betul. And at whose expense???

What I know for sure is: In this country, when you buy a house which is still under construction and the developer decided to 'cabut lari' before completing the project, you ARE NOT protected!! AT ALL. As a purchaser, bayarlah interest for the tingkap & pintu yang dah dikopak, railings on the stairs yang dah dicuri etc or face legal actions...

Siapalah yang boleh bela nasib I ni? Tulis surat pada KPKT -- dah! Tulis surat pada Tribunal Pengguna -- dah!! Hmmmm... letih, letih!! I wonder who is protecting these big M-A-F-I-As. Grrrrrr... dugaan, dugaan...

Babang, if only you were here!! The problem would still remain, but at least we'd shoulder it together!! (forgive me God for this unrealistic wish and for sounding so ungrateful. Show me a way out, dear Lord...ameen)

On the tracks of life...

It is so easy to lose track when you're travelling on the road of life.

For a person whose imaan is not that strong like me, it is very easy for the internal demons to take over the driver's seat, steering me away from being focused in keeping my faith strong and solid. Forgive me God, for not having enough trust in you to know that YOU know what's best for me. Forgive me God, for I am simply h-u-m-a-n, a weak creature of yours.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.”

(Surah Baqarah: 216)

I have learnt that in our journey of life, it is important to take a few breaks along the way, not unlike the rest stops we make along the highway during a long journey.

Travelling non-stop on the highway will only tire the body, just as travelling hastily on the tracks of life does to our soul.

I have just came back from a short trip with family, visiting extended families and taking a break from it all.

Being with family and seeing the smiles on my children's faces are the sort of blessings God has generously bestowed upon me and for that I am deeply thankful.

You can say that I am currently getting out of my 'manic-depressive' state I was in some weeks ago (the challenge will be in keeping the positive pace going). And I am hopeful that the nur of the coming Ramadhan will bring the much-needed tranquility I so need in this current phase of my life.

To all you out there who have made the time to listen (read) to what I have to say (whine), thank you for being a friend. I am truly blessed. Alhamdulillah.

My emotional turbulence

"Life is a rollercoaster... just gotta ride it", so says Ronan Keating. Now, who can deny it, right?

It's just that I wish I could be off that roller coaster ride for now. Enough madness and mayhem. Can I go for the safe and sound teacup ride, now? Please... pretty, pretty pleaseeee???

It's been a crazy week. I had to work through the weekend. It doesn't help that I'm feeling a little (lot!) under the weather now (plus body ache everywhere - a sure sign of aging). Came home from KK tonight to find my girls not exactly in the pink of health either. Must be the weather (what else is there to blame on?) Hope all three of us get better soon. Insyallah, we'll be off to Jakarta on Tuesday for a 'lil vacation and bonding. My mom will be with us, too. The truth is, I am not exacty thrilled at the prospect of having to unpack and pack my suitcase again. I am tired. I am sick. I need my baby...

I have been missing him so much these last couple of days. More than ever. Outside my consciousness, I find tears rolling down my cheeks at the most inappropriate times!! While ordering lunch, buying a train ticket or talking on the phone with the boss... I just lost it!!

As usual, at times like these, the crazy me sent him text messages on his now-defunct mobile number -- I miss you or I just had dinner with so and so or I'm boarding the plane now...

The tears rolled down again the moment my plane landed and I turned on my mobile. No more "welcome home, yayang" text messages from him.

In the taxi on the way to the airport this evening, Michael Buble's Home was on. Apa lagi... meleleh la...

I so want to be home again... back home in his arms...

Home
Michael Buble

Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna go home...mmm home

I may be surrounded by a million people
I still feel all alone
just wanna go home...I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that...

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right

And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream but you always believed in me...

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
...and I wanna go home

Let me go home
And I'm surrounded by
A million people
I still feel alone
Let me go home...I miss you , you know

Let me go home
I've had my run baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home...

it'll all be alright...
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

Something cheery!!!

I received several smses from friends who were concerned about my state of 'sadness' based on my last few entries.

I am feeling much better now -- happy, healthy and hopeful!!! Thank y'all!!!

Stories to share

A couple of weeks after being widowed, I searched the net for support groups for widows. I found WidowSpeak, a website dedicated to widows worldwide - a place where 'you can read widows’ stories, see widows in the news and the arts, visit a photo gallery of widows, learn about widows’ projects, and participate in the discourse of widowhood'.

In the beginning, I was hooked. I read the poems written by young widows like me and cried... it was as though I had written them myself... I even wrote to the webmaster for wanting to contribute my story, and they were more than pleased!

Unfortunately, my 'hunger' to be 'comforted' by this support group was not satisfied. With each passing day, I found myself clicking in their website and immediately clicking out. I eventually took myself out of their email list. It was too depressing! The website that is. There was no light or hope offered... just an avenue to share depressing stories (to me at least, I may be wrong - the website may have helped tons of other widows, wallahu'alam).

That's when I decided to blog. Blog about my life as a widow. But what you see now is just a glimpse of the original blog I created and still keep. That blog is available for my eyes only. It is depressing!!! hehe...

Well, the real reason of this post is to say that I have met wonderful widows in the blogsphere since!!! These are widows who write of hope behind the despair; widows who count their blessings behind the adversity; and widows who find strength in Allah, the Almighty.

This post is especially for them. To D, petite and powerful and Lilinbiru, thanks for sharing your stories with the rest of the world and me, of course! Your stories have inspired me!!!

To D and petite and powerful, you two are such great writers!!! D -- your are my source of inspiration, believe it or not, ok? please, just believe it, why don't you :-)

petite and powerful -- please don't stop writing, ok? You have such flair...

Lilinbiru -- your sincere and unpretentious posts have given me the reason to let my own tears flow, especially when I am in denial of my inner feelings for wanting to 'be strong' ...

Thank you, sisters...

D's Pause to Reflect

petite n powerful

Lilinbiru's Days to Remember

This and that...

I barely had anything done in the office today. First half of the day was spent moving my stuff to our temporary office two floors down. This is to make way for the renovation works at our current place.

We'll be at this 'transit' office for about a month before moving back to our renovated space. I also had to attend an internal meeting in the morning.

Second half of the day was spent attending another meeting in Cyberjaya, together with my boss and our consultants. It was such a hectic day that I didn't have time for lunch. Thanks to Z who treated us drinks after the meeting. I had more than just coffee, to make up for lunch.

Driving home, Maira called to ask me if I was going to pick up her swimming suit which I had sent to the shop yesterday to have the zipper fixed (the zipper got spoilt last week when her friend helped her zip up for swimming lessons). Thank God she called, coz I was ready to just drive straight home. Totally forgot that I had to pick it up for her lessons tomorrow.

Came home to Misha's "Mommy, I need to bring potato stamps for art tomorrow". Ok. So, this was what I managed to carve out of the potatoes. Not so imaginative, eh? Mommy dah tak de idea, la Misha...

While helping them with homework, they realised that both of them need to bring water colours to school for art class tomorrow and there's only one set at home (which puzzles me coz' I distinctly remembered getting one each early in the year). And Maira kept saying she needed to bring Manila card as well. Why lah only tell me now?

So off I went after Isya' to the nearest store to get a set of water colour and some Manila cards.

Now here is the best part of the day! It was quite a long queue at the express counter (I had like 5 items) and so were the other four people in front of me, all anxious to pay and get going as it was already past 9. Suddenly, here comes an old auntie, in her 70s probably, with a Colgate toothpaste in her hand who 'potong queue' in front of the guy before me.

I had hoped the guy wouldn't get mad at the old lady (she was really old) as she is, after all a 'warga emas' and probably really badly needed to get that toothpaste at that certain hour heheh! Thank God he didn't say a word.

Next thing I know, the auntie was saying terima kasih, terima kasih and touching the guy's arms and appearing to be so grateful. She even had some tears in her eyes and kept on saying something else in Mandarin while touching the guy until he got embarrased.

Wanna know why? The toothpaste cost her RM5.20 and she only brought with her RM5! And so, upon hearing from the cashier that the old lady is short of 20 sen, the guy took out 20 sen from his pocket and paid the balance.

The thing was, she was so so grateful at this young Malay chap -- seriously, her eyes were gleaming. And the guy tertunduk malu-malu... It was like watching a scene from one of Yasmin Ahmad's ads. So sweeeett... so muhibbah! Just wish I had my camera with me!

I tell you, seeing that made me feel alive. Made me realise there's still compassion and gratitute amongst people out there.

Monday blues...

My car's battery decided to go kaput on me this morning. This was at 7.40am -- 50 minutes before my meeting with the big boss. Time to get to the office in the morning = 35-40 minutes. Time to get a cab = ? errr...

After several failed attempts to get the engine started, I decided to walk several metres and get a cab to work. Alhamdulillah, after only 5 minutes of waiting, I got a cab who'd take me to Tech Park. Got to work at 8.45am and thank God meeting was brought forward to 9. Phew... lega!

Left work early and took a cab to the mechanic in my neigbourhood. Mechanic then drove me home to have a look at my car. He managed to start the car, and so I drove my car back to the workshop to fix a new battery. Dok pi balik pi balik lagu tu lah... anyways, all settled, my car has a brand new battery and I'm RM175 poorer!

Bed buddies

I sleep on a crammed bed most nights. Since their daddy passed on a year ago, the girls have been bunking in with me most nights of the week. It was a natural thing to do the first few nights he was gone. Nights became weeks, weeks became months and now a year has gone (it will be a year on Thursday).

The two of them used to sleep in their own bedroom all by themselves. Even when their daddy would go outstation for work, they'd still sleep by themselves.

Somehow, they have gotten used to sleeping with me. I think they now see it as their right, and not a privilege. Occasionally, I will tell them that I needed the whole bed to myself as "mommy have a very important meeting tomorrow and I need to have a good rest", and they'll go sleep in their room. Other times, they'll have cousins staying overnight and then I'll have my room to myself. Some weekend nights I'd convinced them to "sleep in your own room tonight and I promise we'll do something fun tomorrow".

I must tell you that sleeping with a 7 and 9-year-old in a Queen size bed is not exactly very comfy. They do take up space! Many a time I'd wake up with a sore neck or a backache from having to accomodate my 2 not-so-little bed guests!

But I'm not complaining.

I'm thinking in 11 years time, when Misha goes to college, I'd have an empty nest and no one to fight over a pillow with.