I must say...

Alhamdulillah…

Dah masuk 6 Syawal dah kita… alhamdulillah, dapat beraya bersama keluarga dan rakan… thanks to Him. I feel so blessed. Thank you, Lord for your bounties. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah…

This is our second raya without my best friend and the girls without their dad and I think I did pretty well. Pretty well in the sense that I didn’t get too emotional nor was I excessively melancholic. Yes, I shed a tear or two but that was it. I must say I surprised myself (now thinking to self when will the roller coaster go ‘down’ now that it’s ‘up’). I like being ‘strong’ like this.

Again, praise be with Him. Subhanallah!!

This heart of mine...

(a question and prayer posed to self and for self)

They say time heals all wounds but why am I still bleeding?

I am NOT strong... and I am currently feeling sooooooo weak and helpless. I am losing it. This brittle heart of mine sure feels like its going to rupture anytime soon.

I don't want to bleed, don't want to feel...

Dear Allah, please make my heart solid and my spirit strong... Ameen.

Just YOU and me

It's just you and me here, God

it's just you and me

I feel so alone here, God

I feel so alone with me

Please hear me out, God

Please help me...

On my mind...

الحمد لله

In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

الحمد لله , الحمد لله , الحمد لله

I am back in this space again after a short hiatus. A short hiatus, indeed. It felt short. Very, very short. Yet at the same time the experience felt a world away.

I have been... sad (again!!!???) nothing new, huh? Please, please... you may move on to another blog now... such stale news this is...

Unfortunately, yes I have been. Sad that is. And somewhat still is. One, for having to leave the holy land. And two -- that's just the way I am. Sob... sob... I can be so pathetic, I irritate me!!!

Having said that (being sad and all), I can not go on typing without saying that I am forever indebted to HIM, the Most Merciful, The Most Compassionate, The Bestower, The Most Knowing, The Protector, The Great Forgiver, The All-Knowing, The Just... The ONE for all his bounties. Alhamdulillah... for everything...

Hmmmm... now whining about my sad, sad life really sounds pathetic!!! And ungrateful!!! So, I shall not!!!

Funny, how I am feeling a little better now. Alhamdulillah!!! Praise be upon HIM!!! It's HIS M-A-G-I-C!!! Thank, you God!

I am just babbling with no real direction here! Forgive me, but it's four-something in the morning and I have been up since the last couple of hours... crying! But not anymore!!! Alhamdulillah...

The messed-up emotions could possibly be due to the medications I took to stop my period temporarily. Hormonal imbalance, yes... I'd like to think so. The red alert came gushing the moment I stepped off the plane Tues night and just a few minutes ago, right after I started typing this entry, I had a severe stomach cramp - went to the loo and gosh!!! if I was a sexually-active female, I'd think that I had a really early stage of miscarriage looking at the discharge I had!!! It's scary, ok???

And because of my menstruation, I have not been able to perform my solah, and that added to my sadness too. It makes me miss being there in the Al-Haram and Masjidul Nabawi even more. But I'll be back there, soon. I promise. Insya-Allah...

I must say that I am happy to be back home, to see my girls especially. I had started to really miss them the very last few days I was there. I should've brought them along with me. They would love it there! Soon, very very soon, ok girls? We'll go there together, insya-Allah...

(Stomach cramp again... ouch!)

Bye, for now...

Higglytown Heroes remind me of...

The life I had once upon a time...

Once upon a time, I was a homemaker for two years when I took a break from work to complete my Master's.

Once upon a time, my daily routine included getting the kids ready for school and my best friend ready for work in the morning.

Once upon a time, I'd have a goodbye kiss planted on my lips before my best friend leaves for work in the morning.

Once upon a time, the highlight of my day would be waiting for my best friend to come home from work each night so we'd spend the time talking about our day's hi's and lo's.

Once upon a time.

My kids don't watch the Playhouse Disney channel anymore as they've obviously outgrown it. Somehow, it was on our TV sometime over the weekend. Funny how a simple TV show could evoke such memories for me.

I remember watching the show everyday with Misha after I'd fetch her from kindy at 11.30am. We'd watch the show together while she drinks her milk and before I go out again to fetch Maira from school.

I cherish those years of my life where everything was 'perfect'. But I know no matter how much I 'ache' for those moments to be 'alive' again, I have to be thankful to Allah for everything. For today. For now. For him.

Still, I must admit that I need to remind myself everyday that 'it is for the best' and that 'Allah knows better'.

I pray for strength, Ya Allah...

Stories to share

A couple of weeks after being widowed, I searched the net for support groups for widows. I found WidowSpeak, a website dedicated to widows worldwide - a place where 'you can read widows’ stories, see widows in the news and the arts, visit a photo gallery of widows, learn about widows’ projects, and participate in the discourse of widowhood'.

In the beginning, I was hooked. I read the poems written by young widows like me and cried... it was as though I had written them myself... I even wrote to the webmaster for wanting to contribute my story, and they were more than pleased!

Unfortunately, my 'hunger' to be 'comforted' by this support group was not satisfied. With each passing day, I found myself clicking in their website and immediately clicking out. I eventually took myself out of their email list. It was too depressing! The website that is. There was no light or hope offered... just an avenue to share depressing stories (to me at least, I may be wrong - the website may have helped tons of other widows, wallahu'alam).

That's when I decided to blog. Blog about my life as a widow. But what you see now is just a glimpse of the original blog I created and still keep. That blog is available for my eyes only. It is depressing!!! hehe...

Well, the real reason of this post is to say that I have met wonderful widows in the blogsphere since!!! These are widows who write of hope behind the despair; widows who count their blessings behind the adversity; and widows who find strength in Allah, the Almighty.

This post is especially for them. To D, petite and powerful and Lilinbiru, thanks for sharing your stories with the rest of the world and me, of course! Your stories have inspired me!!!

To D and petite and powerful, you two are such great writers!!! D -- your are my source of inspiration, believe it or not, ok? please, just believe it, why don't you :-)

petite and powerful -- please don't stop writing, ok? You have such flair...

Lilinbiru -- your sincere and unpretentious posts have given me the reason to let my own tears flow, especially when I am in denial of my inner feelings for wanting to 'be strong' ...

Thank you, sisters...

D's Pause to Reflect

petite n powerful

Lilinbiru's Days to Remember

الحمد لله

It's 4 something in the morning and I can't go back to sleep. Woke up at quarter to 4 to use the loo. Am still having the cold. Had wished the flu medicine could help me get a good night's rest. Have a full-day event later in the day...

This is not a grumble.

Instead, while lying in bed trying to go back to sleep, I only have praises for Allah -- Alhamdulillah... for taking good care of me and my girls. Alhamdulillah... for being there for me in times of need. Alhamdulillah... for his countless blessings. Alhamdulillah... for choosing me to test.

Dear God (I know you're listening) -- due to your test, my faith in you have never been stronger. I know you are looking after me. I know you love me... and this test only proves that you want me to be a far more superior servant of yours than I ever was before.

Praise be with You!